Inside Fatherhood

Ninja Vomit

by Bill on May 1st, 2008

I was washing my hands in the restroom at work this morning and looked up at myself in the mirror. I quickly realized that I had been victimized by a baby with ill intent. Over the right breast of my sweater was a white milk stain from baby spit up. The only thing was, I hadn’t held him that morning while dressed for work, so I have no idea how it got there. I’ve learned that lesson about holding a baby in good clothes, and hadn’t repeated my old mistakes… He must have struck when I wasn’t looking… before I was even dressed!

Shame on me for not noticing as I rushed to get ready this morning, but it was cleverly hidden by the fold of the sweater, I didn’t even see it. It was well executed and expertly hidden, clearly the work of a pro. A ninja. A baby ninja; stealth his craft, spit-up his weapon.

I can only imagine him, crawling with Ninja-like precision and infantile stealth into my room as I slept. I’m a deep sleeper so he would have had plenty of time to pick just the right article of clothing on which he would leave his statement. He must have known my chocolate-toned sweater would make a great target because I wear it often and the color is a sufficient contrast to breast milk. After he reached his selected target and soiled my work-wear, I envision that he cracked a quick and toothless grin before receding into the shadows of the night.

After scaling his giant Pooh bear to return to his lair or “crib”, he laid back down and I was none the wiser as to the night’s events.

This kid is slick, but I’m on to him.

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