Inside Fatherhood

Is Spanking Acceptable?

by steve on January 30th, 2007

Just recently we have been discussing a very controversial topic of spanking. There have been many comments that have ranged from “spanking should be done often”, while others feel spanking should “never take place no matter what”. It ranges between those schools of thought.

Personally, where I stand is in between, but I lean more towards spanking than not spanking. And I am going to reveal to you guys that growing up my parents hardly ever spanked me or my sister. In fact I think I can count on one hand the amount of times I got paddled. In retrospect, I feel they were not firm enough with us and that if they had been more strict I may not have done some of the things I did.

Sometimes I felt their wasn’t a large enough consequence for things I decided to do, therefore I was more easily persuaded to do those things I shouldn’t have. Some may say they weren’t firm enough verbally but I disagree. I honestly believe they did everything in their power through taking away privelages and other means of discipline but nothing can measure up to a paddle of disappointment right on the rear end.

Now there is a big difference between child abuse and paddling a child on the backside. I think the problem that lies between the pro-spankers and the anti-spankers is the perception of what spanking is. Some view spanking as a firm swat on the butt. Others picture a Cold Case or Law and Order episode where the father left bruises on the child due to anger management problems.

Until we can get the differences worked out in our perceptions we won’t be able to come to middle ground. The point of spanking is not to harm the child but to inflict a sense of physical punishment as a consequence for ones actions. Spanking is in no means a form of discipline in my eyes, but a reinforcement of the policies set forth by the parents and that rebellion of those policies have a consequence.

Children do not know right from wrong. They are naturally born to do bad things and make the wrong decisions. They are not experienced enough to understand what is acceptable and what is not. Children are not naturally angels as some are led to believe. If you do not guide them and allow them free access to do what they want, they will make the wrong choices every single time. It is our duty and responsibility to raise our children to understand the difference between right and wrong. That is why it is important we remain consistent with our forms of discipline and keep our principles the same.

It isn’t that I think spanking must be inflicted all of the time, but I feel it symbolizes wrong doing. In other words, it sets a precedence. For those who spank their kids they know that even if they gently paddled their kid on the butt they would cry. It isn’t that their butt is in pain. Far from it. It is because they have been punished for their wrong doing. Their pride has been paddled. When spanking is done properly (not abusive) we see that the symbolic form of spanking… even when done in its softest form has the same lasting effect as a firm spanking.

Some ask then why not use another form of symbolic punishment other than hitting? I think it is a good question and one that somebody would ask in fear and defense of a child. But there is nothing that I can think of that can honestly replace it with the same effect. Another form of disapproval for spanking is driven by the concept that teaching a child to not hit by hitting them on the butt is not consistent.

I understand the argument and in simple terms without understanding the fullness of the situation and the behaviours involved in all parties (both parent and child) you must come to that conclusion at its simplest form. But we are not robots. We are complex human beings. So we must look for motive. Hitting is wrong, especially done in the context of life and playing and sharing with other kids. When a child hits because they want a toy block their motive is selfish. When a person hits in self defense then it is just. When a parent properly spanks as a form of punishment, it is a tool used for the betterment of the child. The child needs to learn the difference between disciplinary action, self defense, and hitting out of greed and selfish context.

If you cannot teach a child the difference then you have failed them as a parent. If you look at the long term scope of spanking, when done without abuse, you can see that the child has learned not to hit out of selfishness. If this is the case then the child has made that distinction between when it is necessary and when it is wrong.

If you decide not to spank but take away privelages what has the child actually learned? In some cases I think grounding a child is a great tool, especially when the children are older and the situations become more complex as they begin to learn. But take a toy away from a 2 year old child as a form of punishment for purposely stealing a toy from another kid. It falls under the same concept of why do to the child what you should be teaching them NOT to do. You are punishing the child for taking something away from another kid by taking something away from them. What does that say to the kid? Does it really teach the kid that it must be OK to take from others because my mom (or dad) took away from me just now?

I think it teaches the child to discern between when it is ok to do it and when it is not. The child learns that taking away a toy for selfish reasons is wrong. It teaches the child that taking a toy from another child just because they want to play with it is wrong. But at the same time it teaches the kid that the parent is taking the toy away from them not because mommy or daddy wants to play with the toy. “They are taking it away because I was naughty.”

If you cannot teach your child the difference then you have undoubtedly failed them. So when it comes to spanking I see no difference. Taking something away from a child is just as bad. It is stealing. Do you say it is OK because it is a form of discipline, or it is done for the right reasons? I would say yes, us parents do know that, and in turn, it is our responsibility to teach our kids the difference of when it is OK to take something away as opposed to when it is not OK. That is because children do NOT know the difference, therefore we must teach them reasons why we do things.

When children yell and scream in public and the parent raises their voice to get their attention does the child say to themselves it must be OK to raise my voice because my parent is doing it? It may and it may not. But we need to teach our children the difference. The reason the child was raising their voice was out of line. It was for selfish reasons. But the parent did so for the right reasons. The parent knows the difference between when it is OK to speak firmly and when it is not. If we cannot teach our children these differences we have failed yet again.

The other thing too, is young children need consistence. It is comforting for the child to know he or she’s environment. Children sometimes do things out of turn only because they want to be reinforced. When this stage is at its prime is what most people call the “terrible twos”. They are testing their boundaries. They are beginning to learn right from wrong. They know some things are wrong but they are testing the waters to be reinforced. They are learning what is constistent and what is not. They are learning if they can get away with things or not. Using the form of spanking is an outward tool to show the child what is acceptable and what is not. Spanking can actually be comforting to the child. Momentarily it is not. Momentarily their pride is shattered and they feel the disapproval from mommy and daddy. But it is comforting to the child to know that every time they do that one thing they get spanked. They have learned a new boundary to what is right and what is wrong.

That is why being consistent as a parent is important. You cannot show discrepancies in your spanking. This will teach the child that it is OK sometimes and it isn’t at other times when behaving in the same context. This can make that boundary a little more fluid and slack. But, when spanking is done properly is it a great tool designed to show where those boundaries are.

I believe spanking a child when they aren’t old enough to learn boundaries and understand the difference between right and wrong is a useless tool. It only brings forth fear without knowledge and understanding. Not knowing why you were spanked has to be a terrible feeling for a child. Your loved one who protects you and cares for you is hitting my bottom. Why? So I think that spanking works only for those children who are old enough to test those boundaries. I also believe a child can grow to be too old for spanking to work effectively. The child grows old enough to withstand the spank at the moment, take the discipline, and then move on. The consequence is actually not equal to their actions of wrong-doing.

They know that if they get caught all it means is standing there for a minute while they get paddled and then the punsihment is over. It is not a real form of setting boundaries. A 15 year old would probably find it amusing to get spanked and laugh his way to his room while he put in his favorite CD. Teens love to be spanked and sent to their rooms. It is the best punishment a 15 year old can get. They get out of it pretty easy and there are no real consequences to their actions.

So I think there is a window of opportunity when it comes to spanking. If done properly you can really help define what is acceptable and what is not. The problem I think we run into is parents who believe in spanking but don’t do it properly. If spanking is not used as a tool but more out of the angry parent abusing their authority it can lead to really really bad results. So I defend the practice of spanking and not the abusive parent who decided to spank.

So anyway, that is my stance on the issue. I just recently ran a poll but not many people participated. There were 22 people who voted and I am actually going to keep the poll up for a bit longer and see if I can get some more participants and see where it goes even with my current post here.

I would like you to write your own blog post about how you feel about spanking and then contact me. I would like to get a collection of links to spanking articles and I will link back to them from here.

But here are the results of the poll I did so far. Looks like almost half of the people believe it is never OK to spank:

How old should a child be before you can spank them?

Total votes: 22

10 said Never
3 said 1 year
3 said 2 years
2 said No age limit
1 said 6 months
1 said 3 years
1 said 4 years
1 said 5 years

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POSTED IN: Parenting